How Deacon Fry Bought A Duchess

It sorter skeer'd the neighbours round,
For of all the 'tarnal set thet clutches
Their dollars firm, he wus the boss;
An' yet he went and byed a 'Duchess.'
I never will forget the day
He druv her from the city market;
I guess thar warn't more'n two
Thet stayed to hum thet day in Clarket.

And one of them wus Gran'pa Finch,
Who's bed-rid up to Spense's attic:
The other Aunt Mehitabel,
Whose jints and temper is rheumatic.
She said she 'guessed that Deacon Fry
Would some day see he'd done more fitter
To send his dollars savin' souls
Than waste 'em on a horn'd critter!'

We all turn'd out at Pewse's store,
The last one jest inside the village;
The Jedge he even chanc'd along,
And so did good old Elder Millage.
We sot around on kegs and planks,
And on the fence we loung'd precarious;
The Elder felt to speak a word,
And sed his thoughts wus very various.

He sed the Deacon call'd to mind
The blessed patriarchs and their cattle;
'To whose herds cum a great increase
When they in furrin parts did settle.'
We nodded all our skulls at this,
But Argue Bill he rapped his crutches;
Sed he, 'I guess they never paid
Five hundred dollars for a 'Duchess.''

Bill and the Elder allers froze
To subjects sorter disputatious,
So on the 'lasses keg they sot,
And had an argue fair and spacious.
Good land! when Solon cum in sight,
By lawyer Smithett's row o' beeches;
His black span seemed to crawl along
Ez slow ez Dr. Jones's leeches.

Sez Sister Fry, who was along,
'I sorter think my specs is muggy;
'But Solon started out from hum
'This mornin' in the new top buggy.
'Jeddiah rid old chestnut Jim,
'An' Sammy rid the roan filly;
'I told 'em when they started off
'It looked redikless, soft and silly,

'To see three able-bodied men
'An' four stout horses drive one critter;
'O land o' song! will some one look?
'From hed to foot I'm in a twitter.'
Wal, up we swarm'd on Pewse's fence,
And Bill he histed on his crutches;
We all was curus to behold
The Deac's five hundred dollar 'Duchess.'

I've heerd filosofurs declar,
This life be's kind o' snarly jinted;
And every human standin' thar
Felt sorter gin'ral disappointed.
What sort o' crazy animile
Hed got the Deacon in its clutches?
They cum along in spankin' style--
Old Solon and his sons and 'Duchess.'

Her heels wus up, her hed wus down,
An or'nary cross-gritted critter
As ever browsed around the town,
And kept the women folks a-twitter,
A-boostin' up the garding rails,
And browsin' on the factory bleachin',
And kickin' up the milkin' pails:
Bill he riz up, ez true ez preachin'.

Sez he, excited like, 'I'll 'low,
To swaller both these here old crutches-
Ef thet ain't Farmer Slyby's cow,
Old Bossie turn'd inter a 'Duchess!'
Wal,'twus k'rect! The Deacon swore
Some hefty swars and sot the clutches
Of law to work; but seed no more
The chap thet sold him thet thar 'Duchess.'

Farmer Downs Changes His Opinion Of Nature

'No,' said old Farmer Downs to me,
'I ain't the facts denyin',
That all young folks in love must be,
As birds must be a-flyin'.
Don't go agin sech facts, because
I'm one as re-specks Natur's laws.

'No, sir! Old Natur knows a thing
Or two, I'm calculatin',
She don't make cat-fish dance and sing,
Or sparrow-hawks go skatin';
She knows her business ev'ry time,
You bet your last an' lonely dime!

'I guess, I'm posted pooty fair
On that old gal's capers;
She allers acts upon the square
Spite o' skyentific papers.
(I borrows one most ev'ry week
From Jonses down to 'Pincher's Creek.')

'It sorter freshens up a man
To read the newest notions,
Tho' I don't freeze much tew that thar plan,
About the crops ratotions;
You jest leave Natur do her work,
She'll do it! she ain't one tew shirk!

'I'm all fur lettin Natur go
The way she's sot on choosin'.
Ain't that the figger of a beau
That's talkin' thar tew Susan?
Down by the orchard snake-fence? Yes.
All right, it's Squire Sims, I guess.

'He's jest the one I want tew see
Come sparkin'; guess they're lyin',
That say that of old age he be
Most sartinly a-dyin'--
He's no sech thing! Good sakes alive,
The man is only seventy-five!

'An' she's sixteen. I'm not the man
Tew act sort of inhuman,
An' meanly spile old Natur's plan
To jine a man and woman
In wedlock's bonds. Sirree, she makes,
This grand old Natur, no mistakes.

'They're standin' pooty clus; the leaves
Is round 'em like a bower,
The Squire's like the yaller sheaves
An' she's the Corn Flower,
Natur's the binder, allus true,
Tew make one heart of them thar two.

'Yas--as I was a-sayin', friend,
I'm all for Natur's teachins;
_She_ ain't one in the bitter end
Tew practice over-reachins.
You trust her, and she'll treat you well,
Don't doubt her by the leastest spell.

'I'm not quite clar but subsoil looks
Jest kinder not quite pious;
I sorter think them farmin' books,
Will in the long run sky us,
Right in the mud; the way they balk
Old Natur with thar darn fool talk!

'When Susie marries Squire Sims,
I'll lease his upland farm;
I'll get it cheap enough from him--
Jest see his long right arm
About her waist--looks orful big!
Why, gosh! he's bought a new brown wig!

'Wal, that's the way old Natur acts
When bald folks go a-sparkin';
The skyentists can't alter facts
With all their hard work larkin',
A sparkin man _will_ look his best--
That's Natur--tain't no silly jest!

'Old Natur, you and me is twins;
I never will git snarly
With you, old gal. Why, darn my shins!
That's only Jonses Charlie.
She's cuddlin' right agin his vest!
Eh? What? 'Old Natur knows what's best!'

'Oh, does she? Wal, p'raps 'tis so;
Jest see the rascal's arm
About her waist! You've got tew go
Young man, right off this farm;
Old Natur knows a pile, no doubt,
But you an' her hed best get out!

'You, Susie, git right hum. I'm mad
Es enny bilin' crater!
In futur, sick or well or sad
I'll take no stock in Natur.
I'm that disgusted with her capers
I'll run the farm by skyence papers.'

Some Of Farmer Stebbin's Opinions

No, Parson, 'tain't been in my style,
(Nor none ov my relations)
Tew dig about the gnarly roots
Ov prophetic spekkleations,
Tew see what Malachai meant;
Or Solomon was hintin';
Or reound what jog o' Futur's road
Isaiah was a-squintin'.

I've lost my rest a-keepin' out
The hogs from our cowcumbers;
But never lost a wink, you bet,
By wrastlin' over Numbers.
I never took no comfort when
The year was bald with losses,
A-spekkleatin' on them chaps
That rode them varus hosses.

It never gave my soul a boost
When grief an' it was matin',
Tew figger out that that thar Pope
Wus reely twins with Satan.
I took no stock in countin' up
How menny hed ov cattle
From Egypt's ranches Moses drove;
I never fit a battle
On p'ints that frequently gave rise
Tew pious spat an' grumble,
An' makes the brethren clinch an' yell
In spiritooal rough-an'-tumble.

I never bet on Paul agin
The argyments ov Peter,
I never made the good old Book
A kind ov moral teeter;
Tew pass a choreless hour away,
An' get the evenin' over;
I swallered it jest as it stood,
From cover clar tew cover.

Hain't had no time tew disputate,
Except with axe an' arm,
With stump an' rampike and with stuns,
Upon my half clar'd farm.
An' when sech argyments as them--
Fill six days out ov seven;
A man on Sabbath wants tew crawl
By quiet ways tew heaven.

Again he gets the waggon out,
An' hitches up the sorrels,
An' rides ten miles tew meetin', he
Ain't braced for pious quarrels:
No, sir, he ain't! that waggon rolls
From corduroy to puddle,
An' that thar farmer gets his brains
Inter an easy muddle.

His back is stiff from six days' toil--
So God takes hold an' preaches,
In boughs ov rustlin' maple an'
In whisperin' leaves ov beeches:
Sez He tew that thar farmin' chap
(Likewise tew the old woman),
'I guess I'm built tew comprehend
That you an' her be's human!'

'So jest take hold on this har day,
Recowperate yer muscle;
Let up a mite this day on toil,
'Taint made for holy bustle.
Let them old sorrels jog along,
With mighty slack-like traces;
Half dreamin', es my sunbeams fleck
Their venerable faces.

'I guess they did their share, ov work,
Since Monday's dew was hoary;
Don't try tew lick 'em tew a trot
Upon the road tew Glory!
Jest let 'em laze a spell whar thick
My lily-buds air blowin':
An' whar My trees cast shadders on
My silver creeklet flowin'.

'An' while their red, rough tongues push back
The stems ov reed an' lily,
Jest let 'em dream ov them thar days
When they was colt an' filly,
An' spekkleate, es fetlock deep
They eye my cool creek flowin',
On whar I loosed it from My hand,
Where be its crisp waves goin'.
An' how in snow-white lily cup
I built them yaller fires,
An' bronz'd them reeds that rustle up
Agin the waggon tires.

'An' throw a forrard eye along
Where that bush roadway passes,
A-spekkleating on the chance--
Ov nibbling road-side grasses.
Jest let them lines rest on thar necks--
Restrain yer moral twitters--
An' paste this note inside yer hat--
I talk tew all My critters!

'Be they on four legs or on two,
In broadcloth, scales or feathers,
No matter what may be the length
Ov all their mental tethers:
In ways mayn't suit the minds ov them
That thinks themselves thar betters.
I talk tew them in simple style,
In words ov just three letters,--
Spell'd out in lily-blow an' reed,
In soft winds on them blowin',
In juicy grass by wayside streams,
In coolin' waters flowin'.

'An' so jest let them sorrels laze
My ripplin' silver creek in;
They're listenin' in thar own dumb way,
An' I--Myself--am speakin';
Friend Stebbens, don't you feel your soul
In no sort ov dejection;
You'll get tew meetin' quick enough,
In time for the--collection.'